Manly (Guest blogger Daddy)

“What does it mean to be a man?”

Interesting. Thanks for the question, son-who-can’t-talk-yet. I thought I’d have AT LEAST ten years before you asked me, but clearly you’re more advanced than I had anticipated. It must be because you aren’t circumcised.

Kelly’s aunt bought me this (very funny) book by Joel Stein called ‘Man Made,’ which is basically the story of him trying to figure out what it means to BE A MAN after he finds out he’s going to have a son. It has gotten me thinking about what I’m going to say to Jakiah if he ever asks me what it means to be a man, besides, “Hey, what’s that behind you?” and then running away when he turns to look. What a gullible idiot my son will be.

Part of me hopes that he’ll never ask me this question, since I have no idea how to answer him. Maybe the best I’ll be able to say is, “A man is…uh…a man is a guy…who…does…stuff.” Then I’ll have to explain to him how he’s managed to live so long without me accidentally putting him in the microwave or dishwasher.

Another part of me hopes that he ONLY ASKS ME this question, because I can only imagine what answers he would get from other people. Most of them would probably make his follow-up question be, “Is mommy a lesbian because she married a girl?”

I’m sure what will actually happen is he will ask me once, when he’s young, and then his idea of manhood will be shaped and reshaped by American media and culture and society. And it’s this realization that freaks me out, and leads me to this post.

So, Jakiah, even though I know over the course of your life you’ll hear only 75% of what I say and actually listen to just 40% of it, let me try to explain to you what being a man is, at least in the opinion of your old man.

Being a man means you will have hair on some part of your body other than the head. Usually, it’s your arms, or chest, or back, or legs, or armpits. Mustaches are manly (example: Tom Selleck), except when they aren’t considered manly (example: Salvador Dali). Long or longish hair isn’t usually recognized as manly (example: Justin Bieber, hippies), except when it is (example: Jesus, carpenters in general). Having a beard is exceptionally manly (example: any lumberjack), unless you’re Harvey Fierstein (example: Harvey Fierstein). 

Athletics are manly! Most manly men play sports (examples: football, hockey, Ninja Warrior), although it can’t just be any sport (examples: golf, Frisbee golf, Golf Warrior). The manliest of all sports is wrestling, where the goal is to wear 60% of what’s considered regular attire and give crippling hugs to your opponent until you’re both so exhausted that you lay on top of each other. It is manly to watch this with a group (example: wrestling tournament), but not by yourself (example: curious on the internet). 

Some sports that don’t seem manly can be manly-fied pretty easily (examples: diving – while shooting a crossbow at a moving target, polo – using the skull of a vanquished rival), while some manly sports can instantly be unmanly-ed (examples: fencing – with swimming pool noodles, polo - without changing anything). Regardless of whether you are re-manly-ing or de-manly-ing a sport, keep the following in mind to stay manly at the conclusion of the competition: you may cry after you win, but not after you lose. Also, it is never okay to cry at sporting events if you are a spectator, even if you are watching your child (exception: you and your father, who was unquestionably manly, first bonded over the sport that you are currently crying over).

Being a man means you work! It’s especially helpful if you work with your hands (examples: welder, electrician, mechanic). However, there are some things that wouldn’t be considered manly, even if you used your hands a ton (examples: video game designer, hairstylist, hand model). Working a lot means you will have manly injuries (examples: sore back, rough hands), although you are never allowed to complain about them to anyone but your other manly work friends. (Note: having too many manly work friends is not manly.) Similar injuries might seem manly, but if they don’t happen at work, they aren’t manly (examples: sore back from vacuuming, rough hands from high-fiving your wife regarding the results of a figure skating competition).

Cars are very manly, especially the ones that are a) loud, b) big, or c) loud and big. Some cars are not manly though, usually ones that a) get good gas mileage, b) fit neatly into a one-car garage, or c) get good gas mileage and fit neatly into a one-car garage. If a man’s car is not manly enough, he can always buy a boat or a motorcycle. If a man has all three, he can even be a hand model and still be a man.

Working on cars is even manlier (examples: changing a tire, realigning tires), except when it involves not getting dirty and sweaty (examples: changing the air freshener from ‘lemon’ to ‘summer breeze,’ realigning the ‘My Other Car is a Firebolt’ bumper sticker). The more grease you have in your garage the more manly it is (example: axle grease), unless it isn’t (example: poster of dancing Kenickie).

Killing things is manly (examples: hunting for elk, fishing for trout, squishing a spider), but they have to being really specific things (non-examples: hunting for the remote, fishing for compliments, squishing a dust bunny resembling a spider). Stealing things can be manly too (examples: kisses, hearts), unless they are not to be stolen by men (example: glimpses of how your own butt looks in your new jeans). Actually, breaking most of the Ten Commandments can be considered manly, especially if you do them all at the same time (example: “Goddammit! I stole this holy golden calf statue from my neighbor because I was jealous that he made one, especially since I lost the one that I built – that took me fifteen consecutive Sundays to build by the way – for his hot wife with whom I’d been having an affair because my dick dad and bitch mom never taught me benefits of monogamy. I mean, he has a huge house and probably cheats on his taxes anyway, and come to think of it I hate him so much that I’m going to kill him.”)

Drinking alcohol is very manly, especially if you prove how manly you are by drinking the cheapest beer available because hey, it’s still alcohol (examples: Pabst Blue Ribbon, Hamm’s, Coors). Some alcohol is not manly (examples: microbrews that aren’t dark, anything ending in ‘Light’), but other alcohol is so manly you might as well own a boat and a motorcycle (examples: whiskey, evidently Dos Equis). Abraham Lincoln and Alice Cooper (each of whom you can’t think of without immediately thinking of the other) never drank alcohol, but they were manly for other reasons (Lincoln: killed zombies, Cooper: looks like a zombie). 

The last thing that makes you manly is bedding chicks (Note: it is also manly to refer to women as ‘chicks’ in front of your manly friends). If there’s one thing that builds up your manly meter faster than almost anything else in the entire world, it’s being promiscuous. It doesn’t even matter what they look like – we’re talking quantity over quality here. You have to be careful though, because if you start getting too many quality chicks, your manly friends will get jealous and it will actually reverse your manliness. They will assume you aren’t manly because you care too much about the faces of your conquests. Or that you care so much about appearing manly that secretly you must not be manly at all. 

On kind of a bizarrely related note, you should never develop any kind of feelings for any of your chicks (which is why it’s easier on your manliness when you discount quality in your search for bedpost notches), because that can lead to the two things most detrimental to your manliness: a) becoming engaged, and b) getting married. If one (or both) of these things happens to you, the only way to reclaim your manliness is to have a son, and pass on the secrets of being a man to him. Which, obviously, is what we’ve been doing here. So you’re welcome, and thank you.

Also, if you really ever ask me what it means to be a man, I will answer you with this:

It means you have a penis. 

(And even then, I’m not so sure.)