Beautiful, Beautiful, Beautiful, Beautiful Boy (Guest blogger Daddy)

So, this is Nelson.

I don’t post on this very often (or, you know, ever), but it occurs to me that I should probably mention something about the new kid on the way. He’ll be here in January (if he’s on time), which is alarmingly only three months away.

That doesn’t seem like it’s very far away, right? Pretty soon I’ll be able to start keeping track of how much money he’ll owe Kelly and I when he turns 18. Kalaya’s tab is already at $8,544.16 and she’s only two – man, we’re going to be rolling in the dough by the time they’re both eligible to vote! Kids are the best.

We picked out a name for him already, but we haven’t found a middle name that we’re both over the moon over. Kelly is holding out for Gabriel, and I am trying to slip Brontosaurus in, but so far there’s no deal in place (mostly because I am only 90% kidding about Brontosaurus).

Kalaya is pretty excited about having a baby in the house. So far. Over the past month or so, she’s started referring to any picture of her at 18 months or younger as ‘Baby Kalaya,’ so evidently the fact that humans grow/age is at least partially in her schema. Now she talks about ‘Baby Jakiah’ all the time, and especially how his name starts ‘wiff JAAAAAAAAAAY!’

I also have to say that I am weirdly excited for all four of us to attempt to fit into one bed, which will probably only last for a few days, but should be a fun experiment. The last time I was looking forward to me and another dude being in bed with two ladies this much was in college, and those feelings and these current feelings could not be further unrelated.

At any rate, when Kelly was pregnant with Ca$h Cow #1, I remember listening to a Darius Rucker song called ‘It Won’t Be Like This For Long,’ conveniently for the first time as I was putting the crib (that she used exactly three times) together. Needless to say, I was a puddle of emotions by the end, and the crib was no closer to being finished than when the song began.

There are a lot of songs now that remind me of Kalaya - ‘Then’ (Brad Paisley), ‘Gracie’ (Ben Folds), ‘Two of Us’ (the Aimee Mann/Michael Penn version), and basically anything by Bruno Mars (especially ‘Just the Way You Are,’ since she knows and sings all of the words) or from ‘Glee’ – but that Darius Rucker song was the first one I remember REALLY affecting me as a dad.

It is in this vein that I’ll post the lyrics from the song ‘Anything Like Me,’ which is another Brad Paisley song about being a father to a son. (Aside: if you had told me ten years ago that the two songs that I would instantly identify with my children would be from the country genre, I would have punched myself in the face.) It’s not entirely accurate, but I’ll insert amendments to fix some of things that don’t really work for me, or him, or us:

Anything Like Me

I remember saying I don't care either way
Just as long as he or she is healthy I'm ok
(This was true for both kids, although secretly I wanted twins both times because 1) it would be fun, and 2) I am a masochist.)
Then the doctor pointed to the corner of the screen
And said "You see that thing right there well you know what that means"
(I saw the penis before the nurse said it was a penis, and even though I was pretty certain it couldn’t be anything else, I waited until there was confirmation before lighting up my 1950’s cigar. Also, I wanted to make sure the exclamation from the nurse was ‘It’s a boy!’ and not ‘Wow, she has a gigantic vulva!’)

And I started wondering who he was going to be
And I thought heaven help us if he's anything like me
(Actually, this applies more to what my brother will probably think if he ever has a son. But still.)

He'll probably climb a tree too tall and ride his bike too fast
End up every summer wearing something in a cast
He's gonna throw a ball and break some glass, in a window down the street
(One time I broke a window in our house with a ball. Close enough.)

He's gonna get in trouble, he's gonna get in fights
I'm gonna lose my temper and some sleep
It's safe to say that I'm gonna get my payback if he's anything like me(If true, my payback will consist of him sleeping too much and him playing a lot of Playstation.)

I can see him right now knees all skinned up
With a magnifying glass trying to melt a Tonka truck
(I had a Tonka truck, but I was more concerned with whether it had airbags than its meltability.)

Won't he be a sight with his football helmet on
That'll be his first love til his first love comes along
(True story: I played competitive football one year, when I was 12. I was a Tight End and Cornerback. The only two plays I remember are forgetting to block a linebacker and giving up a sack, which ended with me getting benched, and getting burned by a wide receiver with a legitimate limp because his legs weren’t the same size, which ended with me getting benched. I wish my first love had come along before that.)

He'll get his heart broke by the time he's in his teens
And heaven help him if he's anything like me
(Also, heaven help his mother and I for the awful poetry he’ll write about it.)
He'll probably stay out too late and drive his car too fast
Get a speeding ticket he'll pay for mowing grass
He's gonna get caught skipping class, and be grounded for a week
(I used to skip class in high school…to go bowling. Possibly related – I didn’t have a girlfriend at the time.)

He's gonna get in trouble we're gonna get in fights
I'm gonna lose my temper and some sleep
It's safe to say that I'm gonna get my payback if he's anything like me
(I hope we don’t actually fight, like in American Beauty when Chris Cooper punches Wes Bentley. Although if Jakiah says things like ‘I’m not ordinary’ and spends an inexplicable amount of time filming plastic bags in the wind…)

He's gonna love me and hate me along the way
Years are gonna fly by I already dread the day(Uh-oh, here come the waterworks.)

He's gonna hug his momma, he's gonna shake my hand
He's gonna act like he can’t wait to leave
But as he drives out he'll cry his eyes out
If he's anything like me(Suddenly it’s really dusty in here…let’s wrap it up, Brad.)

There's worse folks to be like
Oh he'll be alright
If he's anything like me

Jakiah, my beautiful boy, I hope you have all of the best of me, and none of the worst of me. But mostly I hope that you have the best and worst of you, because I love you Just The Way You Are.

(Right, Kalaya?)