I haven't written anything on this blog yet, even though my name (for some reason) comes first. But I thought since it's Kalaya's first birthday, I'd write something. It's kind of cheating though, because this is what I wrote when I first found out Kelly was pregnant, way back in October of 2008. Holy crap, that seems like a long time ago. Anyway, happy birthday sweetheart! (Also, I sprinkled in some updated notes, mostly/completely for my own enjoyment.)
October 8, 2008
Baby.
Baby, baby, baby, baby!
(Like Reese Witherspoon in ‘Walk the Line,’ only not as dramatic.)
*At the time, this was topical. Now, well, yikes.
I think I was nervous for about three seconds when your mother first showed me the positive test. I’m hoping that’s a normal feeling, and I suppose I’d rather be nervous for three seconds as opposed to three years. But I’m not nervous anymore.
I have only told a handful of people about you up to this point, and most of them have asked me if I’m nervous. And my answer is always the same. I don’t want to sound arrogant, or unrealistic, or patronizing in any sense, but I can’t even begin to explain how not nervous I am. What’s the opposite of nervous? Probably ‘ready’, but I wouldn’t assume that I’m ready to raise another human being. Let’s ask the Microsoft Word Thesaurus…
Calm? Composed? Tranquil? That doesn’t seem right. Oh, I found it.
UNRUFFLED.
That’s me. Your father is completely unruffled.
I know I’ll be ruffled at various points in your life, like when you first talk back, or when you burn your hand on the stove, or when you drive our car into a ditch, or when you tell me you hate baseball/softball and break my heart into 162 pieces. But every time I think about you now, I am unabashedly unruffled.
It’s very strange because I can’t seem to stop thinking about you, or touching your mother in the spot where I think you’re sleeping, or looking at our first pictures of you on the refrigerator. I wish I were better with words, since I am unable to describe how it’s possible to love someone without knowing them. But it happens.
I think I will keep these little musings about you until reach an arbitrary age like 18 or 21. *Or, you know, stop after this one. I think it would be neat to give you something like this on a birthday or before you go off to college (not that you have to go to college, I’m just saying). You know, assuming we don’t hate each other or something.
I know I am lazy so I hope that I can keep up with this. *Damn! It’s already October 8th, you’re already nine weeks old (in womb time), and this is just the first time I’ve written anything. I don’t see how I can’t keep writing to you, but this is the same man who buys running shoes and jogs for a week before giving up.
But I’m also too excited about you now that we’ve seen you (and you waved! I don’t care what anyone says, I saw you wave, and it was a real wave, and it was awesome) to not write to you and tell you about things you probably don’t care about and I probably won’t remember.
So I’ll write to you at least once a week (if not more), because if there is one thing I can do well, writing would be it. (If there are two things I can do well, they would be writing and conceiving children. Yeah, Micronesian genetics!)
I should probably go to bed before your mother gets mad at me for staying up too late (she sleeps and eats a lot so you will be happy and healthy when you come see us for the first time), but I want you to know two things:
1) You have an absolutely amazing mother. Sometimes you will forget this, just as sometimes I forget how lucky I am to be married to her. But she is an incredible, beautiful woman. Any good that you have in you will surely come from her.
2) I hope, hope, hope, that you have an amazing father. My biggest fear in life is not being good enough for you. It’s hard for me to express my feelings sometimes (most times), especially when that feeling is love. But I love you already, I loved you when you waved at me, I loved you yesterday and I will love you tomorrow.
I can’t wait to see you again.
~Daddy
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