The Cry-It-Out Debate

**Disclaimer: This is just a vent. I have only been a mother for 6 months, I know nothing other *than my own experiences! I truly believe that each family has to decide their own parenting techniques for themselves!***

As we rapidly approach the 6 month mark, I hear more and more arguments back and forth about putting babies to sleep, crying, nursing, soothing and all those other controversial topics. When did these extremely personal and individual decisions become everyone else's business? Why does/do mothers/grandmothers/society focus so much on these things? We are so competitive. Thank you for all these money makers, oops, I mean helpful books on child development and child raising. Don't get me wrong, I've read at least 2 dozen or more. Everything from What to Expect in the First Year (although that one recently got thrown up against the wall and I'm seriously considering burning it), Your Baby Week by Week, The Baby Whisperer, The Happiest Baby on the Block, The No-Cry Sleep Solution, The Baby Book and oh so many more. I even found my mom's copy of Dr. Spock from when I was a kid. (YIKES, no wonder our generation is so messed up!) What have they taught me? No one knows how to raise a baby or a child! Everyone knows how to raise their OWN children and then write books about that experience. OR, I have come to the realization that many people are writing baby books with quick and easy solutions to "problem" that interfere with the parent's attempts to go back to their lives pre-baby. Guess what people??? Life will never be the same! Each baby is different and each time they are going to rock your world at some point!

I don't know. I feel like God, Mother Nature, whatever you want to call it knows what they're doing. There's a reason babies cry. There's a reason it makes mothers frantic to hear their babies cry. There's a reason that nursing helps with so many things. I read a lot of baby-raising books before Kalaya was born. I think that was my problem. Wait, that's not completely true. I think it's good that I had a tool belt of different solutions to try out. But, some of the books made being a mom of a baby sound so simple. For example, The Baby Whisperer. I am DYING to know if this woman actually ever had children herself. (hold on, I'm going to check the bio in her book. HA! I don't see any evidence that she was a mother herself.) She is a nurse and nanny. I respect both of those professions very much. I welcome their advice. She has a lot of helpful and useful tips, such as being respectful of your baby, listening to the differences in your babies noises and encouraging independence. But, I'm sorry, it is different to be a nanny/nurse and to be a mother to your own child. I was a nanny for an infant before I became a mom. It was wonderful, I love Marlee, I still miss her! But, it is completely different to hear someone else's baby cry and your own. (well, at least for me) Usually Marlee was very easy to read, and I knew what to do. She was easily satisfied and was generally a very content baby. But, when she cried and cried, it was exasperating. I got annoyed and fed up. (sorry Jess!) I felt like there was nothing I could do, that I should just put her in her crib (if all her needs were met) and just wail it out. I did this ONE time and never did it again. It was awful and that wasn't even my own baby. And, guess what? It did nothing. She cried for 20 loooooong minutes, fell asleep from pure exhaustion and was awake again in 20 minutes, still crying, still upset. She wanted to nurse. I'm convinced it was that simple. Oh okay many would say, give her a bottle, that means she was hungry. Nope. She wanted her mother. And the closeness of the breast.

It is so strange for me when people equate nursing only with feeding their baby. If that works for them, great. But, it makes a lot of sense why so many mothers pump and bottle feed or give up nursing before their baby may be ready. Having Kalaya has made me realize that babies nurse for soooooo much more. I sometimes wonder if Kalaya even realizes that hunger is satisfied by nursing. I feel that it's more like nursing equals comfort. If her tummy feels uncomfortable (hungry), nursing makes her feel better. If something scared her, nursing comforts her and calms her back down. If she's tired, nursing helps her ease off to sleep. If teeth are pushing through, the comfort of nursing helps her get through the pain. Yes, it takes a lot of time and energy to nurse a baby on cue. There are nights when I am a human pacifier and Kalaya wants to nurse every hour. No, I can't be away from my baby for more than a couple of hours or even less on tired or teething days. No, my baby doesn't take a bottle, she rarely falls asleep without nursing and doesn't sleep through the night yet. But, guess what? These aren't complaints. That is the reality of being Kalaya's mother. She is learning that her mother is there for her when she needs me. She doesn't have to cry and cry, needing and wanting.

That's what crying out feels like TO ME. Again, each mother/family has to do what works best for them. Medical advice out there will comfort people enough to support their decision to let a baby cry it out. But, I have to wonder what the "it" is in cry-it-out. Cry out the tiredness? The pain from teething? The feeling of being alone? Hunger? Wanting comfort? What is it? People say to let them soothe themselves. What does that mean? Is it so wrong to help soothe a wailing infant? I somehow can't seem to believe that a helpless baby is "spoiled" or "manipulating" when they cry. I don't get the advice of, "If they're fed, dry, etc, it's okay to let them cry." We can't read a baby's mind! Babies can't tell us what's wrong! They don't know! They have to cry! We don't know if they are in pain! We don't know if they just want to feel safe and comforted! Maybe they had a nightmare! I can't always "self soothe" when I'm in pain or sad or scared! I get out Tylenol, wake up my husband, call my mother or something else to help me feel better!

I guess what I've learned in the last 6 months is that you really shouldn't let others tell you how to parent. Ask for advice, yes, but take it with a grain of salt. (of course, you're going to get advice whether you want it or not) You know your own baby. You know how you are as a parent. You have to do what it best for you and your baby. (and your partner and other family members too!) I think the single greatest thing you can do before ever deciding to raise a child is to find a partner who has the same child-raising philosophies that you do. Hands down, that has been the best thing, a supportive husband. Nelson is 100% in agreement with me about not letting our babies cry it out. He fully supports me nursing exclusively, even though he barely got to hold his daughter the first 6 weeks and has never given her a bottle. He is wonderful about sleeping in the guest room if our bed gets too crowded the nights Kalaya is up nursing all night long. He is the best husband and the best father for myself and our children. Love has reached new meaning for me watching him be a father and husband of a mother. And on that note, I hear a baby waking up!